Visiting During the Holidays: What to Expect

Holiday visits in long-distance relationships are complicated. On one hand, holidays are when you most want to be together. On the other hand, they're expensive to travel during, family expectations are high, and the pressure for everything to be "perfect" can be overwhelming.

I've navigated several holiday seasons in my LDR, and I've learned that holiday visits require different planning and expectations than regular visits. Here's everything you need to know.

The Holiday Visit Dilemma

The Competing Pulls

Holiday visits come with unique tensions:

• Your family wants to see you
• Their family wants to see them (and maybe you)
• You want couple time together
• Flights are 2-3x more expensive
• Everyone's schedules are packed
• The emotional stakes feel higher

There's no perfect solution, but there are better and worse approaches.

The "Whose Family?" Question

This is the big one. In the first year or two of dating, you might each go to your own families. But as the relationship gets serious, the question becomes: whose family do we visit together?

Factors to consider:

• How long you've been together
• Distance to each family
• Family dynamics and expectations
• Who traveled last year
• Financial situation
• Work schedules and time off

Holiday Visit Strategies

Option 1: Alternate Years

Thanksgiving with your family, Christmas with theirs. Or this year with your family, next year with theirs.

Pros:

• Fair and predictable
• Both families get equal time over multiple years
• Removes annual negotiation stress

Cons:

• One family is always disappointed each year
• Doesn't work if one family has much stronger expectations

Option 2: Split the Holiday

Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas Day with another. Or Thanksgiving weekend split between both.

Pros:

• Both families see you
• No one feels completely left out

Cons:

• Exhausting and expensive travel
• Very little couple time
• Can feel rushed and stressful

Option 3: Create Your Own Tradition

Celebrate the actual holiday together, just the two of you. Visit families on off-dates.

Pros:

• Less expensive travel (off-peak pricing)
• Quality couple time
• Establishes your relationship as its own unit
• More relaxed visits with less family chaos

Cons:

• Families might be hurt initially
• Requires confidence to set this boundary
• You miss traditional family celebrations

Example: Celebrate Thanksgiving together on the Saturday after. Visit Family A the weekend before, Family B the weekend after. Actual Thursday is just you two with a small turkey and football.

Option 4: Invite Families to You

If one of you has your own place, host holiday celebrations there.

Pros:

• You control the environment and schedule
• Establishes your home as a gathering place
• Families meet each other

Cons:

• Lots of work to host
• Not everyone can travel to you
• Potentially awkward family mixing

Booking Holiday Travel

When to Book

Holiday flights book up fast and prices surge. Your timeline:

• Thanksgiving: Book by early September
• Christmas/New Year's: Book by early October
• Spring holidays: Book 2-3 months ahead

Use Skyscanner price alerts starting in summer to catch early deals.

Cheapest Days to Fly

Thanksgiving:

• Most expensive: Wednesday before, Sunday after
• Cheaper: Tuesday before, Monday before, Saturday after
• Cheapest: Thanksgiving Day itself (if you can miss part of the holiday)

Christmas:

• Most expensive: December 23, December 26-27, January 2
• Cheaper: December 20-21, December 28-30
• Cheapest: Christmas Day, New Year's Day

Flying on the actual holiday can save $200-400 but requires flexibility with family schedules.

Budget Reality Check

Set realistic expectations about costs:

• Holiday flights: 2-3x normal prices
• Accommodations if needed: Premium rates
• Gifts for families: Additional expense
• Activities and meals out: Holiday pricing

A holiday visit that would cost $300 normally might cost $800-1000. Budget accordingly or consider alternate timing.

Managing Family Expectations

Communicate Early and Clearly

Don't wait until November to tell your family you're not coming for Thanksgiving. Give everyone advance notice:

• Share your plans 2-3 months ahead
• Be direct: "We've decided to spend Christmas together this year"
• Offer alternatives: "Can we visit the weekend after?"
• Stand firm if parents pressure you

Setting Boundaries

Your relationship needs to come first, even if family is disappointed:

What to say when family pushes back:

• "I understand this is different, and we'll miss you too. But this is important for our relationship."
• "We're going to alternate years. This is their family's year."
• "We can't afford to travel to both families, so we're celebrating on our own this year."
• "We'd love to visit the weekend before/after instead."

Don't give in to guilt: Parents might say "but we always spend holidays together" or "what will the relatives think?" That's their problem to solve, not yours.

The "Meeting the Family" Holiday

If this is your first time spending holidays with their family, it adds extra pressure:

Before you go:

• Ask your partner about family traditions and expectations
• Clarify dress codes for meals or events
• Understand who will be there and family dynamics
• Discuss how much couple time vs. family time
• Plan your escape phrases if you need a break

Bring a host gift: Wine, fancy chocolates, a nice candle. Nothing too personal, but thoughtful.

Be helpful: Offer to help with dishes, cooking, setting table. Don't sit on your phone while everyone else works.

Know when to disappear: If family wants alone time with your partner, give them space.

Balancing Couple Time and Family Time

Protect Some Alone Time

Holiday visits can turn into 100% family time. You need couple time too:

• Morning coffee before everyone wakes up
• Evening walk around the neighborhood
• Late night catch-up after everyone goes to bed
• One activity that's just the two of you

Discuss Schedule in Advance

Before you arrive, your partner should lay out what to expect:

• Which meals/events are mandatory?
• What's flexible?
• Are there any times built in for just you two?
• How late do holiday events typically run?

The "We're Going for a Walk" Strategy

When family time gets overwhelming:

"We're going to take a walk before dinner" = 30 minutes alone together.

"We're going to grab coffee" = escape from chaos for an hour.

"We need to run an errand" = couple time disguised as productivity.

Common Holiday Visit Challenges

Challenge: Too Much Family Time

Hours and hours of being "on" with people you may not know well.

Solution:

• Build in breaks (see the walk strategy above)
• It's okay to go to bed early
• Take on a task that gives you productive alone time (like walking the dog)
• Have a signal with your partner for when you need a rescue

Challenge: Family Asks Invasive Questions

"When are you getting engaged?" "Are you moving together soon?" "Do you want kids?"

Solution:

• Prepare stock answers ahead of time with your partner
• "We're taking things one step at a time"
• "We'll let you know when there's news to share"
• Deflect: "Tell me about [change subject]"
• Your partner should run interference if their family gets pushy

Challenge: Different Family Cultures

Their family is loud and chaotic, yours is quiet and formal. Or vice versa.

Solution:

• Prepare your partner beforehand: "My family is very [whatever], don't take it personally"
• Debrief afterward to process differences
• Remember neither way is right or wrong, just different
• Be extra supportive to your partner after they navigate your family

Challenge: Gift Giving Stress

Do you buy gifts for their family? How much to spend? What if they don't get you anything?

Solution:

• Ask your partner about family gift-giving norms
• Safe options: wine, nice coffee, board games, candles
• Budget $20-40 per person unless told otherwise
• Parents might give bigger gifts—accept graciously
• Thank-you notes afterward are always appreciated

Challenge: Sleeping Arrangements

Some families expect you to sleep in separate rooms even if you live together.

Solution:

• Your partner should clarify arrangements beforehand
• If parents insist on separate rooms, respect it (it's their house)
• Book a hotel if this is a dealbreaker for you
• Don't sneak between rooms—awkward if caught

Making the Most of Holiday Visits

Embrace the Chaos

Holiday visits are rarely peaceful or romantic. They're loud, busy, and sometimes stressful. That's normal.

Find moments of connection in the chaos:

• Squeeze their hand under the dinner table
• Inside jokes about family quirks (kind ones)
• Late-night debriefs about the day
• Working as a team to help with dishes or cooking

Create One New Tradition

Start something that's just yours as a couple:

• Christmas Eve walk to see neighborhood lights
• Morning coffee together before chaos begins
• Exchanging one small gift privately
• Watching a specific movie together each year

These become anchors in future holiday visits.

Take Photos

Holiday visits make for great photos. Document:

• Your first holiday together with their family
• Candid moments during meals and activities
• Couple photos in holiday settings
• Silly family tradition moments

Post-Holiday Debrief

After the visit, have an honest conversation:

What went well? What would you repeat next year?

What was challenging? What would you change?

How did you feel about family dynamics? Any concerns or red flags?

What do you want to do differently next year? Different timing, location, or approach?

This conversation helps you improve future holiday visits and address any issues while they're fresh.

When to Skip Holiday Visits

Sometimes it's okay to not visit during actual holidays:

Good Reasons to Skip

• Finances are genuinely tight
• You just visited a few weeks ago
• Work schedules make it impossible
• The relationship is very new
• You need a break from family stress
• You'd be happier visiting during off-peak times

How to Handle the Decision

• Discuss it together first
• Be honest with families about why
• Offer alternative visit times
• Don't let guilt override what's best for your relationship

Long-Term Holiday Strategy

As your relationship progresses, holiday planning evolves:

Year 1-2 of dating: Likely spending holidays with own families, maybe a quick visit to each other.

Year 2-3: Starting to spend some holidays together, navigating whose family to visit.

Engagement/living together: Alternating years or creating new traditions becomes important.

Married: Your couple traditions take precedence; families visit you or you host.

Understanding this progression helps set appropriate boundaries at each stage.

Holiday Visit Checklist

3 Months Before:

• Decide where you're spending holidays
• Communicate plans to families
• Set price alerts for flights on Skyscanner

6-8 Weeks Before:

• Book flights and accommodations
• Request time off work
• Discuss gift-giving expectations

2 Weeks Before:

• Shop for host gifts and family gifts
• Confirm arrival time and who's picking you up
• Review schedule and family dynamics with partner

During the Visit:

• Protect couple time
• Be helpful and gracious
• Take lots of photos
• Communicate with your partner

After:

• Send thank-you notes if appropriate
• Debrief with your partner
• Start planning next year's approach

The Bottom Line

Holiday visits in LDRs are complicated, expensive, and sometimes stressful. They're also opportunities to integrate your lives, build new traditions, and show your families that this relationship is serious.

The key is managing expectations—yours, your partner's, and your families'. Not every holiday needs to be a big reunion. Sometimes the best choice is celebrating just the two of you, either during the actual holiday or on an off-date when travel is cheaper and stress is lower.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's a joint decision that prioritizes your relationship first. Families will adjust. What matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page and building toward a future together.