Deciding Who Moves: A Fair Guide for Couples

One of the most challenging conversations in a long-distance relationship is deciding who moves. This decision can feel weighted with sacrifice, opportunity cost, and uncertainty. But with open communication, practical evaluation, and mutual respect, you can make a choice that honors both partners and strengthens your relationship.

Why This Decision Feels So Hard

Deciding who moves isn't just about changing your address. It involves:

These concerns are valid and deserve serious consideration. The goal isn't to minimize one person's sacrifice but to make a decision that works for your relationship as a whole.

Key Factors to Evaluate

1. Career Opportunities and Growth Potential

Career considerations often carry the most weight in this decision:

Questions to Ask:

  • Which location offers better opportunities for both careers long-term?
  • Who has more transferable skills or remote work options?
  • Who is at a more critical career stage (early career building vs. established)?
  • Are there industry hubs that favor one person's profession?
  • What are the salary prospects in each location?
  • Who has more job security or tenure?
  • Are there licensing or certification issues that make relocation harder for one person?

Example: If one partner is a teacher (jobs available everywhere) and the other is a marine biologist (limited to coastal research facilities), location matters more for the marine biologist's career trajectory.

Read more about career considerations when moving for love.

2. Financial Implications

Money matters, especially when starting your life together:

Use our moving budget template to compare the financial impact of each option.

3. Family and Support Networks

Proximity to family and friends affects your wellbeing and relationship:

4. Quality of Life Factors

Beyond career and family, consider lifestyle compatibility:

5. Personal Adaptability

Honestly assess who is better equipped to handle the transition:

The Decision-Making Framework

Step 1: Individual Reflection

Before discussing together, each partner should independently:

Step 2: Open Dialogue

Set aside dedicated time for this conversation:

Step 3: Evaluate Options Objectively

Create a structured comparison:

Decision Matrix Template:

Rate each factor from 1-10 for both locations:

  • Partner A's career prospects: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Partner B's career prospects: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Combined financial outlook: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Partner A's support network: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Partner B's support network: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Quality of life for both: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Growth opportunities: Location A ___ vs Location B ___
  • Ease of transition: Location A ___ vs Location B ___

Step 4: Consider Alternative Solutions

The decision isn't always binary. Explore creative options:

Learn more about doing a trial run before moving.

Common Decision Scenarios

Scenario 1: Clear Career Advantage

Situation: One partner has a unique career opportunity or established career; the other has more flexibility.

Fair approach:

Scenario 2: Family Obligations

Situation: One partner has aging parents or children requiring proximity.

Fair approach:

Scenario 3: Equal Careers, Equal Ties

Situation: Both partners have comparable careers and support networks.

Fair approach:

Scenario 4: One Person Really Wants to Leave

Situation: One partner is unhappy in their current city and eager for change.

Fair approach:

Red Flags and Warning Signs

Be cautious if you notice these patterns:

Making Peace with the Decision

Once you've decided who moves, both partners need to commit to making it work:

For the Moving Partner:

Read our guide on coping with leaving your hometown.

For the Staying Partner:

For Both Partners:

Use our guide on setting expectations before living together.

When You Can't Decide

If you're truly stuck, consider:

Decision Checklist

Before Deciding:

  • Both partners have openly shared their preferences and concerns
  • We've evaluated career prospects in both locations
  • We've compared financial implications
  • We've considered family and support network needs
  • We've discussed quality of life factors
  • We've explored alternative options (third city, trial runs)
  • We've created a decision matrix or comparison chart
  • We've set a timeline for making the decision

After Deciding:

  • Both partners genuinely agree with the decision
  • We've discussed how to support the moving partner
  • We've set expectations for the transition period
  • We have a plan for the moving partner's job search
  • We've agreed on how to handle finances during/after the move
  • We've discussed frequency of visits to the moving partner's hometown
  • We've set check-in points to assess how things are going
  • We have a contingency plan if things don't work out

Final Thoughts

Deciding who moves is one of the most significant decisions you'll make as a couple. There's rarely a perfect answer, and some sacrifice is usually involved. The key is making the decision together, with full transparency and mutual respect.

Remember that this decision doesn't have to be permanent. Life changes, careers evolve, and what makes sense now might be different in five years. What matters most is that you're both committed to making the chosen path work and supporting each other through the transition.

The fact that you're carefully considering this decision shows you're approaching your relationship thoughtfully. That mindset will serve you well, whether you're moving across the country or across the street.

Ready to plan your move? Check out our 6-month moving checklist and emotional preparation guide.