You're doing everything right—texting daily, video calling regularly, sending gifts—yet somehow your partner still seems to feel unloved. Or maybe you're the one feeling disconnected despite their constant efforts.
Here's the problem: you might be speaking different love languages.
Dr. Gary Chapman's concept of love languages—the five primary ways people give and receive love—is crucial for all relationships. But in long-distance relationships, where three of the five languages (physical touch, acts of service, and quality time) are significantly limited, understanding love languages becomes absolutely critical.
This guide will help you identify your love languages, understand your partner's, and most importantly, learn how to speak them across the miles.
The Five Love Languages: A Quick Overview
1. Words of Affirmation
Verbal or written expressions of love, appreciation, and encouragement.
2. Quality Time
Undivided attention and meaningful time together.
3. Receiving Gifts
Thoughtful presents that show someone was thinking of you.
4. Acts of Service
Doing helpful things for your partner to make their life easier.
5. Physical Touch
Affection through touch, hugs, kisses, physical presence.
Why Love Languages Matter More Long Distance
When you live near your partner, you can speak all five languages regularly. But distance eliminates or severely limits several of them:
- Physical Touch: Obviously impossible across distance
- Acts of Service: You can't make them breakfast or help them move
- Quality Time: Limited to virtual interactions
This means if your partner's primary love language is Physical Touch, they're fundamentally not getting their needs met. And if you don't understand this, you might mistake their need for touch as lack of commitment rather than what it is: a legitimate emotional need.
Identifying Your Love Languages
Take the official quiz at 5lovelanguages.com, or reflect on these questions:
- What makes you feel most loved when your partner does it?
- What do you complain about most in relationships? (The opposite is likely your language)
- What do you naturally do to show love?
- When you feel unloved, what's missing?
Then have your partner do the same. Discuss your results together during a video call date.
Words of Affirmation in Long Distance
This is the EASIEST love language to speak across distance. If your partner's primary language is Words of Affirmation, you're in luck.
How to Speak It:
- Daily text messages: Send good morning texts and good night messages that express specific appreciation
- Verbal compliments: Tell them what you love about them, what they do well, why you're proud of them
- Encouragement: Cheer them on before big events, reassure them during stress, celebrate their wins
- Written letters: Love letters that they can reread
- Public affirmation: Post about them on social media, tell your friends/family how great they are
- Voice notes: Hearing your voice saying "I love you" and explaining why means more than text
- Specific praise: Not just "you're great" but "I love how you handled that situation with patience and grace"
What NOT to Do:
- Go days without expressing affection
- Criticize or be harsh with your words
- Forget to vocalize your appreciation
- Only say "I love you" in passing, without elaboration
Examples:
- "I was just thinking about how lucky I am to be with someone as kind and thoughtful as you."
- "You're going to do amazing on that presentation. You're so smart and well-prepared."
- "I love how you always know how to make me laugh, even on hard days."
Quality Time in Long Distance
This language is CHALLENGING but not impossible. It requires creativity and intentionality.
How to Speak It:
- Scheduled video calls: Regular, protected time that's just for you two
- Virtual dates: Watch movies together, cook together, play games—see our date ideas
- Full attention: During calls, be present—no phone scrolling, no multitasking
- Extended conversations: Not just quick check-ins but real, meaningful talks
- Share experiences: Read the same book, watch the same show, explore the same topic
- Fall asleep together: Stay on FaceTime as you both drift off
- Virtual breakfast/dinner dates: Eat together over video
What NOT to Do:
- Be distracted during your designated time together
- Constantly cancel or reschedule calls
- Make them feel like talking to you is an inconvenience
- Multitask during video calls
The Key:
Quality time isn't about quantity—it's about QUALITY. One hour of fully present, engaged conversation beats three hours of half-distracted video chatting.
Learn more: How often should you talk? and Staying connected without constant communication.
Receiving Gifts in Long Distance
This language is MODERATELY EASY to speak across distance, though it requires planning and sometimes money.
How to Speak It:
- Surprise packages: Mail care packages with their favorite things
- Thoughtful gifts: Not expensive—thoughtful. Things that show you know them
- Delivery services: Send flowers, food, coffee, treats to their door
- Digital gifts: Gift cards, subscriptions (Netflix, Spotify, audiobooks), online classes
- Handmade items: Something you made yourself shows effort and thought
- Photos and memorabilia: Printed photos, photo books, custom items with your pictures
- "Just because" gifts: Not just birthdays—random surprises matter more
Gift Ideas:
- A book you loved with notes in the margins
- Their favorite snacks that are hard to find where they live
- A hoodie or shirt that smells like you
- Matching items you both have
- Custom art or jewelry
- Plants they can care for
- Subscription box for something they love
Get more ideas: Our complete gift guides.
What NOT to Do:
- Forget important occasions (birthdays, anniversaries)
- Give generic, thoughtless gifts
- Only give gifts when it's "required"
- Dismiss gift-giving as "materialistic"
Remember:
For people who value gifts, it's not about the money—it's about tangible evidence that someone was thinking of them. A $5 item they mentioned wanting beats a $100 generic gift.
Acts of Service in Long Distance
This is the HARDEST love language to speak across distance because you literally can't do physical tasks for them.
Creative Ways to Speak It:
- Research and planning: Find flight deals, research moving options, plan your visits entirely
- Digital help: Proofread their resume, help with job applications, troubleshoot tech issues remotely
- Arrange services: Order delivery when they're sick, arrange for a cleaning service, book them an appointment
- Handle logistics: Plan your dates, manage the calendar, coordinate schedules
- Send solutions: If they mention a problem, research solutions and send options
- Make their life easier: Wake them up when their alarm doesn't work, remind them of deadlines, help them organize
- Support their goals: Create study schedules, workout plans, help them prep for big events
Examples:
- They mention stress about finding a new apartment → You spend hours researching options and create a spreadsheet
- They're sick → You order soup delivery and medicine to their door
- They have a job interview → You help them practice answers and research the company
- They're overwhelmed → You take something off their plate, even if it's just planning your next call so they don't have to think about it
What NOT to Do:
- Promise to do something and then forget
- Make their problems about you ("Well I'm stressed too...")
- Offer help and then do it begrudgingly
- Criticize how they handle things instead of helping
The Key:
Acts of Service is about making their life easier and showing love through action. Get creative about what "action" looks like remotely.
Physical Touch in Long Distance
This is the MOST DIFFICULT love language across distance—and often the dealbreaker for relationships.
You cannot fully satisfy this love language remotely. But you can find creative substitutes and maximize physical time together.
Creative Substitutes:
- Haptic technology: Bracelets like Bond Touch that vibrate when touched, creating a physical "I'm thinking of you" sensation
- Send comfort items: A hoodie that smells like you, a pillowcase with your scent, a stuffed animal to hug
- Video presence: Fall asleep on FaceTime so there's at least a visual presence
- Guided touch: During video calls, both touch yourselves in the same place simultaneously
- Countdown to visits: Constant reminder that physical reunion is coming
- Send physical reminders: Handwritten notes they can hold, photos they can touch
Maximize Visits:
If your partner's primary love language is touch, visits become crucial:
- Visit as often as financially possible
- During visits, prioritize physical closeness—cuddling, holding hands, hugs
- Don't overschedule visits with activities—sometimes just being physically together is enough
- Plan the next visit before the current one ends so they have hope
The Hard Truth:
If Physical Touch is someone's PRIMARY love language and other languages don't compensate, long-distance may be unsustainable long-term. This doesn't mean they don't love you—it means their emotional needs aren't being met.
Options:
- Visit more frequently
- Set an end date to close the distance
- Focus on learning to appreciate other love languages
- Honest conversation about whether this is sustainable
When Love Languages Don't Match
What if your primary language is Words of Affirmation, but theirs is Acts of Service? Or you speak through Gifts but they need Quality Time?
The Solution: Learn Their Language
Love isn't just about giving love the way YOU prefer to give it—it's about giving love the way THEY need to receive it.
This means:
- If they need Words of Affirmation, use your words more (even if it feels unnatural)
- If they need Quality Time, prioritize undistracted conversation (even if you'd rather multitask)
- If they need Gifts, send thoughtful items (even if you think "it's the thought that counts")
And vice versa—they need to learn YOUR language too.
Communicate Explicitly
Don't assume they know what you need. Say it:
"I know you show love by sending gifts, and I appreciate that. But what really makes me feel loved is when you give me your full attention during calls. Can we have more quality time?"
Learn how to have these conversations: Deep conversations over text.
Love Languages During Visits
When you're finally physically together, love language needs shift:
- Physical Touch people: Need lots of hugs, hand-holding, cuddling to "fill the tank"
- Quality Time people: Need your undivided attention, not just physical presence while you scroll phones
- Acts of Service people: Appreciate when you cook for them, help with errands, make their life easier
- Words of Affirmation people: Still need to hear "I love you" and why
- Gifts people: A small gift at the airport when you pick them up goes a long way
Don't neglect someone's love language just because you're together. They still need it expressed.
Reassessing Over Time
Love languages can shift, especially in long distance:
- Someone might become more dependent on Words of Affirmation for reassurance
- The absence of Physical Touch might make Quality Time even more important
- Acts of Service might feel more meaningful when life gets overwhelming
Revisit the conversation every few months: "Is what I'm doing making you feel loved? What do you need more or less of?"
The Bottom Line
Understanding love languages in long-distance relationships isn't just helpful—it's essential. Distance already limits how you can express love. If you're not speaking the right language with what you CAN do, your partner will feel unloved even if you're trying hard.
The good news? Once you understand each other's languages, you can be intentional about speaking them. You can stop wasting energy on gestures that don't land and start focusing on what actually makes your partner feel loved.
Love languages aren't about being perfect. They're about understanding what fills your partner's emotional tank and making sure you're not running theirs empty while yours overflows.
In long distance, that understanding might just be what makes the difference between surviving and thriving.
Keep learning: Communication rules for healthy LDRs, Navigating arguments, and Conflict resolution strategies.