Long-distance relationships require extra trust, communication, and commitment. But sometimes, in our desire to make the relationship work, we ignore warning signs that something is seriously wrong.
Not every challenge in an LDR is a red flag—distance naturally creates obstacles that healthy couples can overcome. But some behaviors signal deeper problems that distance can't excuse and time won't fix.
This guide will help you distinguish between normal LDR struggles and genuine red flags that deserve your attention. Because recognizing these warning signs early can save you from investing years in a relationship that isn't right for you.
Communication Red Flags
Communication is the foundation of long-distance relationships, so problems here are particularly concerning.
1. Inconsistent or Unreliable Communication
What it looks like:
- They disappear for days without explanation
- They frequently cancel planned calls at the last minute
- Their communication pattern is erratic—constant one week, silent the next
- They always have excuses for why they couldn't reach out
Why it matters: Consistency builds trust. If your partner can't be bothered to send a simple "busy today, talk tomorrow" text, it shows a lack of respect for your feelings and the relationship.
Normal vs. Red Flag: Everyone has busy periods. The difference is whether your partner communicates about their availability proactively or leaves you guessing and anxious.
2. They Refuse Video Calls
What it looks like:
- They always have excuses why they can't video chat
- They'll text constantly but won't get on camera
- They agree to video calls but cancel every time
- They become defensive when you ask to see them
Why it matters: While not everyone loves being on camera, a complete refusal to video chat can indicate they're hiding something—from their living situation to their relationship status to their identity.
Exception: Some people have legitimate anxiety about video calls or work jobs where it's difficult. The key is whether they're making any effort to overcome this barrier or just refusing indefinitely.
3. Secretive About Their Daily Life
What it looks like:
- Vague answers about what they did or who they were with
- They share nothing specific about work, friends, or daily activities
- You feel like you don't actually know what their life is like
- They deflect personal questions or change the subject
Why it matters: Healthy relationships involve sharing your life with your partner. Secrecy breeds suspicion and prevents genuine intimacy from developing.
Learn more about finding the right balance in our article on transparency vs privacy in LDRs.
Commitment and Future Planning Red Flags
Long-distance relationships need an end goal. Without one, you're in relationship limbo.
4. No Plan to Close the Distance
What it looks like:
- They refuse to discuss when or how you'll eventually live in the same place
- Every conversation about the future gets shut down
- They say "we'll figure it out eventually" but never actually figure it out
- Years pass with no progress toward being together
Why it matters: Long distance should be temporary. If your partner won't even discuss a future together, they may be content keeping you at arm's length indefinitely—or they don't see a future at all.
Action step: If you're serious about your relationship, check out our closing the distance checklist and initiate that conversation.
5. They Won't Make Concrete Visit Plans
What it looks like:
- They talk about visiting but never actually book anything
- You're always the one traveling; they never come to you
- They cancel visits repeatedly with various excuses
- They won't commit to specific dates
Why it matters: Actions speak louder than words. If someone truly wants to see you, they'll find a way. Constant excuses suggest you're not actually a priority.
6. They Hide Your Relationship
What it looks like:
- Their friends and family don't know you exist
- They refuse to post about you on social media
- They ask you not to comment on or like their posts
- They keep your relationship "private" for no clear reason
Why it matters: While not everyone broadcasts their relationship online, actively hiding it is a major red flag. They may be keeping their options open, already in another relationship, or not taking you seriously.
For healthy approaches to social media in relationships, read our guide on social media boundaries for long-distance couples.
Trust and Jealousy Red Flags
Some jealousy is normal, but these behaviors cross into controlling territory.
7. Excessive Jealousy and Possessiveness
What it looks like:
- They get angry when you go out with friends
- They interrogate you about everyone you interact with
- They accuse you of cheating without evidence
- They demand you cut off friendships
- They want constant check-ins about your whereabouts
Why it matters: This isn't love—it's control. Healthy partners trust you to have a life. Excessive jealousy often escalates into emotional abuse.
If you're dealing with this, read our article on dealing with jealousy in a healthy way to understand what normal looks like.
8. They Demand Access to Everything
What it looks like:
- They insist on having your passwords
- They want to track your location at all times
- They read your messages and emails
- They get angry if you don't respond immediately
Why it matters: This is surveillance, not a relationship. You deserve privacy and autonomy. These behaviors indicate deep insecurity or a desire to control you.
9. They Constantly Accuse You
What it looks like:
- Every conversation turns into an interrogation
- They assume the worst about innocent situations
- They accuse you of lying even when you're telling the truth
- Nothing you do is ever enough to prove your faithfulness
Why it matters: Often, constant accusations are projection—they're doing what they're accusing you of. Even if not, you can't build a relationship with someone who refuses to trust you.
Respect and Emotional Health Red Flags
How your partner treats you emotionally matters just as much as physical treatment.
10. Dismissive of Your Feelings
What it looks like:
- They minimize your concerns with "you're overreacting"
- They make you feel crazy for having normal emotions
- They refuse to apologize or take responsibility
- Your feelings are always "wrong" or "too much"
Why it matters: This is gaslighting. Your feelings are valid, and a good partner will care when they've hurt you, even unintentionally.
11. Love Bombing Followed by Withdrawal
What it looks like:
- Intense affection and attention followed by days of coldness
- Grand romantic gestures alternating with cruel behavior
- You're on an emotional rollercoaster
- You never know which version of them you'll get
Why it matters: This pattern is manipulative, often used to keep you off-balance and eager to please. Healthy love is consistent, not a cycle of highs and lows.
12. They Use the Distance as an Excuse for Everything
What it looks like:
- Every problem is blamed on the distance
- They won't work on actual relationship issues because "it's just the distance"
- They make you feel guilty for wanting more
- They use "it's hard enough being long distance" to avoid accountability
Why it matters: Distance is challenging, but it's not an excuse for poor treatment. Real relationship problems exist separately from geography.
Financial Red Flags
Unfortunately, some people exploit the distance and anonymity of online relationships.
13. They Ask for Money
What it looks like:
- They have a sob story and need financial help
- They promise to pay you back but never do
- The requests escalate over time
- They get angry or guilt-trip you when you say no
Why it matters: This is often a scam. Even if genuine, a partner who repeatedly asks for money is using you. Healthy adults handle their own finances.
14. They Make Excuses About Why You Can't Meet
What it looks like:
- Every planned visit falls through for dramatic reasons
- They need money for a "emergency" right before you're supposed to meet
- They're always dealing with some crisis that prevents meeting
- You've been together for a year or more and never met in person
Why it matters: You may be dealing with a catfish or scammer. Real relationships involve actually meeting. If they're avoiding this, something is very wrong.
Instinct Red Flags
15. Your Gut Says Something Is Off
What it looks like:
- You have a persistent feeling something isn't right
- Their stories don't quite add up
- You feel anxious more than you feel happy
- You're always making excuses for their behavior
Why it matters: Your intuition picks up on subtle cues your conscious mind might dismiss. If something feels wrong, investigate. Don't ignore your instincts.
Learn to recognize the signs of a trustworthy partner so you can compare your situation against healthy relationship markers.
What to Do If You See Red Flags
Recognizing red flags is the first step. Here's what to do next:
Assess the Severity
Not all red flags are equal. Some indicate unhealthy patterns that could change with work. Others—like abuse, manipulation, or deceit—warrant ending the relationship immediately.
Trust Your Judgment
Don't let someone convince you that your concerns are invalid. If you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or consistently unhappy, those feelings matter.
Talk to Someone You Trust
Often, friends and family see things we're too close to notice. Get an outside perspective from someone who has your best interests at heart.
Set Boundaries
If you want to try to work through issues, set clear boundaries about what behavior you will and won't accept. Then stick to them.
Know When to Walk Away
Some relationships aren't meant to last. It's not failure to leave a relationship that isn't serving you. It's wisdom.
If you're dealing with trust issues, our article on rebuilding trust after betrayal might help you decide if your relationship can be salvaged.
The Difference Between Hard and Unhealthy
Here's the truth: all long-distance relationships are hard. But not all are unhealthy.
Hard but healthy looks like:
- Missing each other but trusting each other
- Disagreeing but resolving conflicts respectfully
- Having occasional doubts but working through them together
- Feeling challenged by the distance but committed to the relationship
Unhealthy looks like:
- Constant anxiety, suspicion, or fear
- Feeling controlled, manipulated, or disrespected
- Walking on eggshells to avoid conflict
- Feeling worse about yourself since the relationship started
Don't confuse difficulty with toxicity. You deserve a relationship that enhances your life, even when it's challenging.
Final Thoughts
Long-distance relationships require faith, patience, and resilience. But they should never require you to ignore your wellbeing, compromise your self-respect, or accept mistreatment.
If you've identified red flags in your relationship, take them seriously. Whether you choose to address them, work through them, or walk away, do so with eyes wide open.
The right person won't give you reasons to doubt them. The right relationship won't make you feel smaller. And the right love won't require you to ignore warning signs to keep it.
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.
Continue learning: Read our guide on how to build trust in a long-distance relationship to understand what healthy trust-building looks like, and explore overcoming insecurity in LDRs to work on your own confidence.