It's Friday night. Your partner just texted that they're going out with friends to a bar, party, or club. And you're home, miles away, feeling a knot in your stomach.
This is one of the most challenging aspects of long-distance relationships. When your partner is out having fun without you, your mind can spiral—imagining scenarios, feeling excluded, battling jealousy you wish you didn't feel.
These feelings are completely normal. But they don't have to control you or damage your relationship. This guide will help you navigate these situations with confidence, trust, and emotional maturity.
Why This Situation Triggers Anxiety
Understanding why you feel anxious helps you address it more effectively.
Common Underlying Fears:
- Fear of replacement: "What if they meet someone better?"
- FOMO (Fear of Missing Out): "They're having fun and I'm not part of it"
- Lack of control: "I can't see what's happening"
- Insecurity: "Am I even on their mind right now?"
- Past trauma: "I've been cheated on before"
- Loneliness: "I'm sitting home alone while they're out"
Notice that most of these fears are about what might happen, not what is happening. Your anxiety is often worse than reality.
The Healthy Mindset Shift
Before we get into practical strategies, you need to reframe how you think about this situation.
1. Your Partner Deserves a Social Life
Just like you need friends, hobbies, and experiences outside the relationship, so does your partner. Going out doesn't mean they love you less or are trying to escape the relationship.
Reality check: Would you want your partner to stop having a life because you're not there? Probably not. Extend them the same freedom you'd want for yourself.
2. Trust Is a Choice
You can't control what your partner does when they're out. You can only control whether you choose to trust them.
The question isn't: "What are they doing right now?"
The question is: "Have they given me reason not to trust them?"
If the answer is no, choose trust. If the answer is yes, that's a separate issue to address—not a reason to control their social life.
Learn more about building trust in our comprehensive guide on building unshakeable trust in LDRs.
3. You Can't Control the Uncontrollable
Even if your partner never went out, you still couldn't guarantee they wouldn't cheat or leave. Trying to control their behavior to ease your anxiety doesn't actually create security—it creates resentment.
Real security comes from:
- Choosing a trustworthy partner
- Building a strong relationship foundation
- Developing your own confidence
- Accepting that uncertainty is part of life
What to Do Before They Go Out
Preparation makes this situation much easier to handle.
1. Establish Communication Expectations
Have a conversation—during a calm moment, not right before they leave—about what communication looks like when one of you goes out.
Reasonable expectations:
- "Text me when you get there and when you're home safe"
- "Send me a photo or quick message during the night if you think of it"
- "Let me know roughly what time you'll be back"
Unreasonable expectations:
- "Check in every hour"
- "Send me photos of everyone you're with"
- "Be available to talk the whole time you're out"
- "Don't talk to anyone I haven't approved"
The line between reasonable and controlling is whether your request respects their ability to be present with the people they're with.
2. Know the Plan
It's easier to relax when you know where they're going, who they'll be with, and approximately when they'll be back.
Your partner should volunteer: "I'm going to Jake's party with Sarah and Mike. Should be home around midnight."
This isn't about asking permission—it's about being considerate. You'd tell them your plans, right? They should do the same.
Red flag: If your partner is consistently vague or defensive about their plans, that's worth addressing. Check our article on red flags in LDRs if this is a pattern.
3. Make Your Own Plans
This is crucial. Don't sit home anxiously waiting for them to return. Have your own life.
Ideas for what to do:
- Go out with your own friends
- Have a solo date night (nice dinner, favorite movie)
- Dive into a hobby or project you enjoy
- Video call with family or friends
- Catch up on shows or books they're not interested in
- Work on personal goals
When you have your own fulfilling activities, you're not sitting around imagining worst-case scenarios.
What to Do While They're Out
They've left. Now what?
1. Resist the Urge to Monitor
Put down your phone. Don't:
- Constantly check their social media
- Monitor their activity status
- Look at their location every five minutes
- Check who's viewing their stories
- Text them repeatedly for updates
Why not: This behavior feeds your anxiety rather than soothing it. Every check gives you a temporary hit of "information," but it doesn't actually make you feel better—it makes you more obsessed.
Alternative: Give yourself a rule. "I won't check their social media until tomorrow." Then stick to it.
For more on managing social media anxiety, read our guide on social media boundaries for couples.
2. Challenge Anxious Thoughts
When your mind starts spiraling, interrupt it.
Anxious thought: "They're probably flirting with someone right now"
Challenge: "That's a story I'm telling myself. What evidence do I actually have? None. They've never given me reason to think this."
Anxious thought: "What if they meet someone and realize I'm not enough?"
Challenge: "They chose to be in this relationship knowing it's long distance. If they wanted someone local, they could have that. They want me."
Anxious thought: "They're having fun without me and will realize they don't need me"
Challenge: "Healthy relationships allow both people to have independent experiences. This makes us stronger, not weaker."
Write these challenges down if it helps. Seeing them in writing makes them more concrete.
3. Use Healthy Distraction
Dwelling on their night out helps nothing. Redirect your attention.
Effective distractions:
- Physical activity: Exercise burns anxious energy
- Engrossing content: A page-turner book or binge-worthy show
- Social connection: Call a friend for a real conversation
- Creative projects: Something that requires focus
- Self-care: Bath, face mask, pampering routine
The goal is to genuinely engage with something else, not just kill time while obsessing.
4. Practice Self-Soothing
When anxiety peaks, you need tools to calm yourself.
Grounding techniques:
- 5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste
- Deep breathing: Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6, repeat
- Progressive muscle relaxation: Tense and release each muscle group
- Meditation apps: Guided meditation for anxiety
These aren't magic fixes, but they interrupt the anxiety spiral and bring you back to the present.
For more coping strategies, read our article on dealing with jealousy in a healthy way.
What to Do When They Get Home
1. Don't Interrogate Them
They don't owe you a minute-by-minute account of their night.
Don't do this:
- "Who exactly was there?"
- "Did anyone hit on you?"
- "Why didn't you text me more?"
- "Why did it take you so long to get home?"
Do this instead:
- "How was your night?"
- "I'm glad you had fun!"
- "Tell me about it if you want to"
- "I missed you, but I'm happy you got to go out"
Let them share naturally. If they feel interrogated, they'll start withholding information to avoid the third degree.
2. Express Appreciation
If they checked in with you, texted when they got home, or did anything that helped you feel secure, acknowledge it.
Example: "Thank you for texting me when you got home. I know you didn't have to, and it really helped me relax."
Positive reinforcement encourages them to continue considerate behavior.
3. Be Honest About Struggles (If Needed)
If you had a really hard time, it's okay to mention it—as long as you frame it appropriately.
Good approach: "I struggled a bit with anxiety while you were out. I'm working on it, and it's not your fault. Just wanted you to know what I'm dealing with."
Bad approach: "I was miserable the whole time you were gone. I hope you're happy."
One takes ownership; the other creates guilt.
When It's a Legitimate Concern
Sometimes your anxiety isn't irrational—it's intuition.
Red Flags to Watch For:
- They're secretive about who they're with or where they're going
- They come home and immediately get defensive
- Their story changes or doesn't add up
- They start going out way more frequently and excluding you from details
- They turn off location sharing or hide social media activity
- You find evidence that contradicts what they told you
What to do: Address it directly without accusations.
"I've noticed you've been more secretive about going out lately. It's making me uncomfortable. Can we talk about what's going on?"
If they have nothing to hide, they'll have a conversation. If they gaslight you or refuse to discuss it, that's telling.
For more on recognizing concerning patterns, read our articles on red flags in LDRs and signs of a trustworthy partner.
Working on Your Own Insecurity
If you struggle every time your partner goes out, the issue might be less about them and more about your own insecurity.
Build Your Self-Worth
If you don't believe you're valuable, you'll constantly fear your partner realizing it too.
Work on:
- Identifying what makes you uniquely valuable
- Pursuing goals and interests that build confidence
- Surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you
- Challenging negative self-talk
- Recognizing you're enough, with or without this relationship
For comprehensive guidance, read our article on overcoming insecurity in long-distance relationships.
Create Your Own Full Life
If your entire life revolves around your partner, you'll panic when they're not available. You need your own identity, friends, and activities.
Ask yourself:
- What did I enjoy before this relationship?
- What friendships have I neglected?
- What goals have I put on hold?
- What would make my life fulfilling even if I were single?
Then pursue those things. The fuller your life, the less threatened you'll feel by theirs.
Consider Therapy
If anxiety about your partner going out is severe—interfering with your daily life or causing constant conflict—professional help can make a huge difference.
Therapy can help with:
- Understanding the root of your anxiety
- Developing better coping mechanisms
- Healing from past relationship trauma
- Building healthier thought patterns
- Improving communication skills
There's no shame in getting support. It shows self-awareness and commitment to growth.
Creating Healthy Boundaries Together
Both partners play a role in making this situation easier.
What the Person Going Out Can Do:
- Be transparent about plans without needing to be asked
- Send a quick "thinking of you" text during the night
- Text when you get home safely
- Introduce your partner to your friends (even virtually) so they're less of a mystery
- Be patient with insecurity while also not enabling it
- Follow through on what you say you'll do
What the Person at Home Can Do:
- Make your own plans so you're not waiting around
- Resist urges to monitor or check in constantly
- Work on building trust and managing anxiety
- Appreciate considerate gestures without demanding them
- Communicate needs without controlling behavior
- Trust until given concrete reason not to
When both partners approach this thoughtfully, it becomes much less fraught.
Final Thoughts
Your partner going out without you will probably always be a little uncomfortable. That's normal in long-distance relationships. You're human, and humans feel jealous, excluded, and anxious sometimes.
But discomfort doesn't have to become dysfunction. You can feel the feelings and still respond maturely. You can miss them and still want them to have fun. You can be a little anxious and still choose trust.
The goal isn't to never feel anything when they go out. The goal is to handle those feelings in ways that strengthen your relationship rather than damage it.
Remember:
- Both of you deserve social lives and independence
- Trust is built through consistent behavior over time
- Your anxiety is valid, but it doesn't have to control you
- Communication and boundaries make this easier
- Working on your own security is the most powerful thing you can do
This situation is a chance to practice trust, build confidence, and prove that your relationship is strong enough to handle independence.
And when you get through it successfully? Your relationship will be stronger for it.
Continue learning: Explore our resources on building trust, managing jealousy, and balancing transparency and privacy to further strengthen your LDR.