The "define the relationship" (DTR) conversation is nerve-wracking in any dating scenario, but in long-distance relationships, it's even more critical—and often more complicated. Without the natural progression that happens when you're dating locally, you need to be explicit about what you are to each other.
Are you exclusively dating? Just talking? In an open relationship? Working toward a future together? These questions need clear answers, especially when you're investing time, emotion, and money into maintaining a connection across miles.
This guide will help you navigate when, how, and what to discuss during your DTR conversation.
Why the DTR Talk Is More Important in Long Distance
In traditional relationships, commitment often evolves gradually through increasing time together, meeting friends and family, and shared experiences. You might drift into exclusivity without needing an explicit conversation.
In long distance, that natural evolution doesn't happen. Instead, you need the DTR talk because:
- The stakes are higher: You're investing significant effort and often money into this connection
- Assumptions are dangerous: You can't see who they're spending time with or how they introduce you to others
- The effort requires justification: It's hard to maintain an LDR for something casual or undefined
- Planning requires clarity: You can't make travel plans or future decisions without knowing where you stand
- Emotional protection matters: Being vulnerable across distance is risky without confirmed commitment
When to Have the DTR Conversation
There's no perfect timeline, but here are signs it's time to define the relationship:
Green Lights for the DTR Talk
- You've been consistently talking for 1-3 months
- You communicate daily or nearly daily
- You've discussed visiting each other or meeting in person
- You're making each other a priority in your daily life
- You feel confused or anxious about where you stand
- You've said "I love you" or discussed feelings
- You're turning down other dating opportunities because of this person
- You've started planning your future together, even casually
Too Soon Indicators
- You've been talking less than 2-3 weeks
- You haven't had substantial, meaningful conversations yet
- You're still in the surface-level getting-to-know-you phase
- Neither of you has expressed serious interest or feelings
Exception: If you met in person and then went long distance (moved for work, went back to school, etc.), you might have the DTR talk earlier since you've already established in-person connection.
How to Bring Up the Conversation
The DTR talk doesn't have to be dramatic or awkward. Here's how to initiate it naturally:
Direct Approach
"I've really enjoyed getting to know you these past few weeks, and I'd like to talk about where we see this going. Do you have time for a conversation about that soon?"
Casual Entry
"I was telling my friend about you, and I realized I wasn't sure how to describe what we are. I'd love to talk about how we're both viewing this."
Planning-Based
"I'm thinking about booking a ticket to visit you, and before I do, I want to make sure we're on the same page about what we're doing here."
Feelings-Based
"I've caught myself developing real feelings for you, and I'd like to know if you're feeling the same way and what that means for us."
Pro tip: Have this conversation over video call, not text. You need to see facial expressions and have a real-time discussion.
What to Discuss During the DTR Talk
Your conversation should cover these key areas:
1. Exclusivity
Essential questions:
- Are we exclusively dating each other?
- Are we still talking to or seeing other people?
- What's okay and not okay with people outside our relationship?
- How do we feel about dating apps—should we delete them?
Be explicit. "I assumed we were exclusive" has ended many relationships painfully. Make sure you both say the words.
2. Labels
Discuss:
- Are we boyfriend/girlfriend/partner?
- How do we introduce each other to friends and family?
- Are we comfortable being called a "couple"?
- How do we present our relationship on social media?
Labels might seem superficial, but they represent public commitment and clarity about your relationship's status.
3. Communication Expectations
Cover:
- How often should we expect to talk?
- What communication frequency feels right to both of us?
- What's our plan when one person is busy or traveling?
- How do we prefer to communicate (text, calls, video)?
Read our guide on communication rules for healthy LDRs for more guidance on setting these expectations.
4. Visit Plans and Timeline
Discuss:
- When are we planning to meet in person (if we haven't already)?
- How often can we realistically visit each other?
- Who will travel first, or will we meet somewhere in between?
- What's our budget for visits?
Why this matters: A relationship with no plan to see each other isn't sustainable long-term.
5. Future Outlook
Questions to explore:
- Do we both see this potentially becoming serious?
- Is there a possibility of closing the distance eventually?
- Are we willing to work toward a shared future?
- What's the general timeline we're comfortable with?
You don't need a detailed plan yet, but you should both want the same general direction. Learn more about talking about the future without pressure.
6. Boundaries and Deal-Breakers
Be clear about:
- What constitutes cheating to each of you?
- How do you feel about friendships with exes or opposite-sex friends?
- What are your non-negotiables in a relationship?
- What would be a deal-breaker for you?
Our article on social media boundaries can help you navigate some of these topics.
Common DTR Outcomes and What They Mean
Scenario 1: You're Both on the Same Page
You both want: Exclusivity, commitment, a relationship with a future
Next steps: Celebrate! Set some initial goals together, plan your next visit, and start building your relationship foundation.
Scenario 2: One Person Wants More Commitment
The mismatch: One person wants to be exclusive/official, the other wants to keep things casual
What to do:
- Ask why they're hesitant (valid reasons vs. lack of interest)
- Determine if it's about timing or fundamental incompatibility
- Set a timeline for revisiting the conversation
- Decide if you can accept the current status or need to walk away
Important: Don't wait indefinitely for someone to "be ready." If they want something casual and you want commitment, that's a fundamental incompatibility.
Scenario 3: Different Timelines
The mismatch: You agree on commitment but not on pace or timeline
What to do:
- Find out if the difference is weeks, months, or years
- Understand the reasoning behind each timeline
- Look for compromise (maybe you can't close the distance in a year, but can you commit to an end-date in three years?)
- Decide if the timeline difference is workable
Scenario 4: You Both Want to Stay Casual
You both agree: This is fun but not heading toward anything serious
Reality check: Casual long-distance rarely works long-term. Without the benefit of physical presence and convenience, casual relationships usually fizzle out. Make sure you're both truly okay with this, not just afraid of commitment.
What to Do If the DTR Goes Badly
Sometimes the conversation reveals that you want different things. Here's how to handle it:
If They Want Something Less Serious
Ask yourself honestly:
- Can I be happy with what they're offering?
- Am I hoping they'll change their mind if I stick around?
- Is this draining more than it's fulfilling?
- Am I settling because I'm afraid to be alone?
Hard truth: If you want commitment and they don't, continuing to invest emotionally will only hurt you more later. It's usually better to end it now.
If You Realize You Want Different Things
Maybe during the conversation, you discover:
- They never want to close the distance; you can't imagine staying long distance forever
- They want marriage soon; you're not ready for that step
- Your values or life goals don't align
What to do: Be honest and kind. "I care about you, but I don't think we're looking for the same things. I think it's better we acknowledge that now rather than later."
It hurts, but it's kinder to both of you than dragging out an incompatible relationship.
After the DTR: What Changes?
Once you've defined the relationship, some things should shift:
Immediate Changes
- You can introduce each other with your agreed-upon labels
- You delete dating apps (if you agreed on exclusivity)
- You might update your relationship status on social media
- You start making concrete plans for visits
- You feel more secure asking questions and discussing the future
Ongoing Evolution
- You build deeper trust and work on strengthening it
- You integrate each other into your respective lives more fully
- You start introducing them to your friends
- You work toward meeting each other's families
- You begin discussing closing the distance more concretely
When to Revisit the Conversation
The DTR isn't a one-time event. You should revisit and update your relationship definition:
- Every 3-6 months in the early stages of your relationship
- Before making major decisions (moving, changing jobs, etc.)
- When feelings or circumstances significantly change
- When approaching major milestones (one year anniversary, engagement, etc.)
- If one person feels uncertain or unaligned
Check out our LDR timeline guide to understand how relationships typically evolve and when to have important conversations.
Red Flags During the DTR Conversation
Watch out for these warning signs:
- They avoid the conversation entirely: Repeatedly changing the subject or getting defensive
- They keep things vague intentionally: "Let's just see where it goes" indefinitely
- They won't commit to exclusivity: Want to keep their options open while expecting your commitment
- They pressure you: Push you to commit faster than you're comfortable with
- They make promises but won't follow through: Say what you want to hear but don't back it up with actions
- They dismiss your needs: Act like you're asking for too much by wanting clarity
These are potential red flags in long-distance relationships that deserve serious attention.
Final Thoughts
The DTR conversation can feel vulnerable and scary, but it's one of the most important conversations you'll have in your long-distance relationship. Without clarity about where you stand, you're building on an unstable foundation.
Remember:
- Asking for clarity isn't needy—it's healthy
- If someone really wants to be with you, they won't hesitate to commit
- It's better to know you want different things now than after investing months or years
- The right person will appreciate your honesty and be relieved to have the conversation
So gather your courage, initiate the conversation, and get the clarity you need to move forward—whether that's together or separately.
You deserve to know where you stand. Don't settle for ambiguity just because asking feels uncomfortable.
Related reading: After defining your relationship, focus on building trust, establishing healthy communication, and planning your future together.