On this page
- Why decorating is harder for couples who were long distance
- Have the decorating conversation before you buy anything
- Find your shared style (the mood board method)
- Rules that make decisions fair
- Merging two households of stuff
- When one of you moved into the other's place
- Shopping together without arguing
- A simple order of operations for decorating
- Ideas that celebrate your long-distance years
- Getting outside help
- When decorating fights are about something else
- FAQ
The short answer
Talk before you shop. Each make a mood board, find the overlap, and sum up your shared style in three to five words. Give each person a space where they have the final say, use a limited veto in shared rooms, take turns on big decisions, and set a budget for “invest” vs. “cheap for now” pieces. If one of you moved into the other's place, change something meaningful in the first few weeks so it feels like ours.
- Function first: bed, seating, light, storage. Pretty comes later.
- Sleep on anything expensive.
- Respect sentimental items, but they don't automatically get the living room.
You closed the distance, the boxes are mostly unpacked, and now you're standing in a room containing your clean-lined IKEA life and their lovingly collected flea-market everything. Welcome to decorating together.
It sounds trivial. It isn't quite. Your space affects your mood, and for the partner who moved it decides whether this is home or someone else's apartment they happen to live in. How you handle the throw pillows is also a low-stakes rehearsal for every bigger compromise ahead.
Why decorating is harder for couples who were long distance
- You've never shared a space for long. Visits don't reveal how someone feels about clutter, open shelving or the TV being the center of the room.
- One of you often moves into the other's place. Everything already reflects one person's taste, and there may not even be a free drawer.
- The person who moved left a home behind. They may have sold or stored most of their stuff, so the few things they brought carry a lot of weight.
- It's happening alongside everything else: new job, new city, new routines. Patience is thinner than usual.
Have the decorating conversation before you buy anything
Half an hour with these questions will save weeks of low-level sniping.
Taste
- Three words for how you want home to feel (cozy, bright, calm, playful, tidy…).
- A space you've loved (a café, a friend's flat, a hotel) and why.
- What you can't stand: a color, a material, a kind of clutter.
Money
- What's the total budget for the next few months?
- Where do we invest (mattress, sofa) and where do we go cheap (side tables, decor)?
- Are we happy buying secondhand?
- How will we split costs and who owns what? (See combining finances after moving.)
Process
- Does one of us care much more? Then that person can lead, with the other keeping a veto.
- How will we decide when we disagree?
- What's the timeline: the basics this month, the rest over several months?
Find your shared style (the mood board method)
- Collect separately. Each of you saves 20–30 images of rooms you like, without overthinking it. Pinterest, a shared photo album, screenshots: whatever's easy.
- Swap and look for patterns. Do you both keep saving warm wood? Plants? Lots of light? Dark, cozy corners?
- Play yes / no / maybe. Go through images together. Yes means both love it. No means either hates it. Maybe means one loves, one is neutral.
- Write your style in a few words. For example, “warm modern, natural materials, a few bold colors.” Use it as a filter: does this rug fit? If not, keep looking.
You'll usually find more overlap than you expect. People who think they're total opposites often agree on mood (calm, warm, lived-in) and only disagree on details.
Rules that make decisions fair
| Method | How it works | Best for |
|---|---|---|
| Zones of control | Each person has a space with final say: a desk, a nook, their side of the bedroom | Very different tastes |
| Limited vetoes | Each can veto things they genuinely hate, but only a few per room | Avoiding endless “no” |
| Take turns | You pick the sofa, they pick the rug; you do the bedroom curtains, they do the bathroom | Spreading influence evenly |
| Three-to-one | The person who cares more finds three options; the other chooses | One partner more invested |
| Blend | Find pieces that combine both tastes (modern shapes in warm materials) | Sofas, tables, big items |
| Trial period | Try one person's choice for a couple of months, then revisit | Paint colors, layouts, art placement |
If one partner says “I don't care, whatever you want” and then vetoes everything, call that out kindly. “Not caring” needs to mean actually not caring, or else participating.
Merging two households of stuff
The keep-or-go test
For each piece, ask: is it in good shape? Do we both at least not hate it? Does it fit the space and our style? Do we use it? Mostly yes, keep it. Mostly no, it goes.
Duplicates
| You both have… | Usually keep |
|---|---|
| Two sofas | The more comfortable one that fits the room; or sell both and buy one together |
| Two beds | The better mattress; the other may become a guest bed if there's room |
| Two sets of dishes | The fuller set; keep a few extras for parties |
| Two of every small appliance | The better one; donate the other |
| Two TVs | Bigger one in the living room; the other in a bedroom or office, or sell |
If you're doing this before the move, decide what not to ship. Our guide to selling your stuff before moving helps, and every item you don't ship saves money (see the moving budget).
Sentimental pieces
Grandma's china cabinet may be hideous to you and irreplaceable to them. Sentimental value is real even when you don't share it. Options:
- Find it a place that works: a bedroom, office or hallway rather than center stage.
- Refinish, reupholster or reframe it so it fits better.
- Display part of a collection and rotate the rest.
- Agree to reassess in six months.
- Photograph it before letting it go, if the owner is ready.
When one of you moved into the other's place
This is the most common situation after closing the distance, and the one that most needs care. The goal: within the first few weeks, the partner who moved should feel like a resident, not a guest.
If it was your place first
- Clear real space before they arrive: half the closet, drawers, bathroom shelf, a bookshelf, somewhere to work.
- Ask, more than once: “What would make this feel like your home too?”
- Be willing to change things you like, including the living room.
- Don't describe their changes as “messing up” the place.
- Move at least one meaningful thing early: rearrange a room together, swap the art, buy something new for the shared space together.
If you're the one who moved in
- Start with additions rather than removals: “Can we hang this here?” before “Can we lose that?”
- Make the bedroom feel shared first, then the living spaces.
- Bring or buy small things that anchor you: photos, your mug, a plant, a blanket from home.
- Say clearly if you still feel like a visitor after a few weeks.
I love this place, but I still feel like I'm staying at yours. Could we pick one room this weekend and redo it together?
For a lot of people, this is tied up with homesickness. If that's hitting hard, read dealing with homesickness after moving.
Shopping together without arguing
Budget in three tiers
| Tier | Examples | Approach |
|---|---|---|
| Invest | Mattress, sofa, dining table, desk chair | Try in person, read return policies, buy once |
| Medium | Rugs, lamps, shelving, curtains | Good secondhand finds, mid-range new |
| Cheap for now | Decor, accessories, side tables | Thrift, hand-me-downs, swap later |
Shopping rules
- Agree a spending threshold above which you both decide.
- Sleep on anything over that amount.
- Measure before you buy, then measure the doorway too.
- Take photos of options and decide at home, not in the store.
- Make it a date: set a time limit and get lunch after.
- Try secondhand together: marketplaces, estate sales, vintage shops. It's cheaper and makes for good stories.
A simple order of operations for decorating
- Function first (weeks 1–2). Bed, seating, a table you can eat at, decent lighting, somewhere to put things. Arrange furniture for how you actually live: where you watch TV, where you work, where the morning light falls.
- Storage (weeks 2–4). Clutter causes more friction than taste does. Hooks, shelves, baskets, a place for keys and mail.
- Color and big textiles (month 1–2). A loose 60-30-10 approach helps: a dominant neutral base (walls, big furniture), a secondary color (rugs, curtains), and an accent (pillows, art). Each of you can bring your favorite colors into the accent layer.
- Texture and plants (month 2–3). Mix soft (throws, rugs), hard (wood, metal) and natural (plants, baskets). Texture helps two styles sit together.
- Personal layer (ongoing). Photos of both your families, books from both collections, art from each of you, things from your long-distance years: ticket stubs, letters, something from your first visit.
Ideas that celebrate your long-distance years
- A map wall. Mark both hometowns, the places you met, and the cities you visited.
- Framed boarding passes or train tickets from the trips that kept you going.
- A clock set to the other time zone, now retired, as a quiet joke.
- Letters or a care-package item displayed in a shadow box.
- A photo strip of screenshots from your best video-call dates.
Getting outside help
If you're stuck, a single consultation with an interior designer, an online design service, or the free design help some furniture stores offer can break the deadlock. A neutral third party often finds the blend neither of you saw. Check current prices and what's included before booking.
When decorating fights are about something else
- One partner regularly mocks the other's taste.
- One person makes every decision, every time.
- The mover's belongings stay boxed or hidden for months.
- Ownership or money is used to shut down any change (“it's my apartment”).
- Every choice turns into the same fight with no compromise.
Those are about respect and power more than about decor. Talk about the underlying issue directly; our guide on when reality doesn't match expectations may help.
The goal isn't a magazine shoot. It's a place where both of you walk in and feel you belong.
Your first home together won't be finished in a month, and it shouldn't be. Let it change as you do. For the rest of the settling-in process, see the first 30 days living together and building routines together.
Frequently asked questions
How do I make my partner's apartment feel like my home?
Ask for real space (a closet, drawers, a corner or desk that's yours), bring a few things that make you feel at home, and change at least one shared room together early on. Rearranging furniture or buying one new piece together signals “ours” more than any amount of reassurance. If you feel like a guest after the first month, say so directly.
What if we have completely different decorating styles?
Look for overlap in materials, colors and mood rather than named styles. Pick a calm base (walls, big furniture) you both accept and let each person's taste show up in accents, art and textiles. Give each of you a space where you have the final say, and use a limited veto for shared rooms.
How long does it take to decorate a new home?
Longer than you think, and that's fine. Most couples get the functional basics done in the first few weeks, then add rugs, art and finishing touches over months. Living in a space for a while before buying big pieces usually leads to better choices and fewer regrets.
Who pays for furniture when you move in together?
Agree before you buy. Common approaches: split shared pieces by your usual money arrangement, or have whoever really wants a pricey item pay the difference. If you're not married, note who paid for big items and agree what happens to them if you split, so nobody is fighting over a sofa later.
Written and fact-checked by the LongDistance.net editorial team. Spotted something out of date or wrong? Tell us and we will fix it.
This guide is general information, not legal, medical, immigration or financial advice.